Through daily meditation and the cultivation of a deep connection to spirit, I was able to listen to nature and hear the beckoning from my unborn child.
A month ago, if you would have asked me whether I wanted to have a second child, I would have outright said “No way!” Although I had the birth that I wanted, natural and drug-free with the support of loving doulas in a birth house, I was not prepared for what came next; what having a baby actually meant. I was ill-prepared for motherhood and fell head first into the pit of postnatal depression.
I struggled through sleepless nights, colic, and to make things worse our gorgeous baby girl would not take the bottle or a pacifier, which meant I could never leave her, as I breast-fed on demand. In an attempt to better her night sleep, I became rigid with her nap schedules that it literally started to ruin my life. I would spend hours a day bouncing my baby on a yoga ball, trying to get her to fall asleep. I felt like I had completely lost sight of who I was and that I had lost my freedom entirely.
Without me realizing it, all the fears that I had been holding onto from my daughter’s first year of life manifested as a complete aversion to the idea of a second child.
When my daughter was nearly two years of age, my spiritual awakening was in full blossom and I was practicing meditation every day. I started to experience strong intuitions about a second child. On the beach one day, I collected sea pennies with my daughter, and that evening when she was asleep, I prepared an offering of candles, flowers and sea pennies as I meditated on the ocean shore. I pulled out three sea pennies. Surprisingly, one looked like my husband, the second like me, and the third just like my daughter. Then in my bag I found a fourth penny.
Prior to my spiritual awakening, this would not have been of any significance to me, but because I had become so in-tune with the nature spirits, I took this as a direct revelation. This fourth penny had a little hole in it – clearly different from the previous three – but it looked just like a potential fourth person in our family. I knew in my deepest soul that this represented a fourth person and I had the hardest time trying to decide whether to put the penny in the row next to us, which to me signified that this ‘penny’ had actually joined our family, or above us, which signified it was still just a possibility or an idea.
And the strongest feeling I had that night was that I knew it would be a boy.
It was as though my unborn child’s soul was already with me that day on the beach, helping to push me in the right direction towards being open to the idea of having another child.
As I type this, my left leg is covered in goose bumps – one of the clear indications I receive when I am in touch with my guides.
That night by the beach I journaled, and my writings revealed to me that I did in fact want my daughter to have the closeness I had with my younger brother growing up. I saw her earlier that day playing on the beach alone, and for the first time I could see her lonely future without a sibling to share the ups and downs with.
Two weeks later I had a reiki session with my guru and without me mentioning it, she picked up from my energy body that if we were to grow our family, she foresaw a beautiful baby boy. The oracle card I pulled was ‘The Child’, which we took in its most literal sense considering the circumstances. All the signs were nudging me towards creating this child!
That night I went to my weekly meditation circle, which so happened to be about practising fear burning. We wrote our top three fears down on little pieces of paper and one by one we burned them in the flame, chasing them away with loud noises as they disintegrated into their native nothingness. I knew one of the fears I had to burn was my fear of having a second child. I burned that fear and shed a few tears at the relief and support I felt from my sisters in that circle.
When I got home, my husband and I had the most heartfelt and open discussion about having another child. I learned that my husband was in fact waiting for me to feel OK with the idea of having another baby and didn’t want to pressure me, which I felt was the sweetest and kindest thing. In that moment, I fell in love with him all over again.
Later that night I felt the moment of conception. I didn’t sleep a wink, waiting and truly feeling every sensation in my womb. I felt a tiny snap or popping sensation and I knew that my little baby’s soul had emerged.
That night I dreamt of a gathering of women, of my ancestors and my spiritual teachers. I couldn’t tell what the commotion was about, but I could feel that it was something big.
That was only four days ago, and at this moment I still can’t technically prove that I am pregnant. But I know in my deepest heart that I am! And I moved the little sea penny on my altar to join the rest of my family.
Yes, I am still worried about how I will cope with two children when I found it so hard to manage my first newborn. All these feelings are 100% natural. But I plan to enjoy this pregnancy, birth and the newborn stage with all my being. I am a conduit for spirit and I hold two souls inside me right now. This is a mind-blowing and mind-altering idea. I know now that I have nothing to fear and I welcome the new journey ahead, excited to discover how my connection with spirit will grow as my baby bump does.
Note: I waited a few day before taking the first home pregnancy test, which came out negative because I took it too soon. So I waited another week before eagerly taking the second home pregnancy test, that finally revealed I was in fact pregnant. I am now in my 13th week of pregnancy, and scans have revealed a very healthy baby, although the sex is still to be determined...